My prayers and peace to all who have posted here. There are challenges in our lives for a reason and we can become stronger and closer to our God and each other through them.
We have many struggles on our plate at the moment. I will type of only one. I feel this is the biggest trial of my life and have gone through most of it. I HOPE!
We have three children living with us today and we have lost three. Anyone out there that has lost a child knows of the pain, guilt and depression that comes along with this trial.
I died the day my daughter died. She was just a baby and the doctors don't know why she died, she just did. That was years ago and at times I still feel the pain as if it was 20 minutes ago. I died inside but my heart keep beating and I keep breathing in and out all day long. It seems like a sentence more painful then death, for I had to live without her.
After a few years of empty aching arms and unable to get pregnant, we adopted two beautiful children. Brother and sister, 18 months and three years old. They filled my life with wonderful wildness. My house had toys thrown all over it and the laundry had little shirts that need to be folded. I loved folding those little clothes.
There were bed time stories and piggy back rides. All this time the adoption was pending. The weeks turned into months and the months turned into years. Then came the day that they were taking from me. This time it was the birth mother that came back at the last minute and took the kids.
I died again. The house was quiet. I cleaned the house and it stayed clean. The laundry took a fraction of the time it use to take and there were no cute little clothes to fold. I pulled away from everyone. My husband, my friends, and my family. My mom could not understand my feelings for she had had the exact opposite problem I was having. She keep getting pregnant and the kids all stayed. I struggled so. I was so alone.
At church one day my friend had her new baby girl in her arms. I ran up to her and asked to hold the child. As she slipped into my arms, my eyes filled with tears and I began to sob into the little pink blanket that was wrapped around this precious child. I stood there for ten minutes crying, not aware of the group of people starring at me. There are very few people on this earth that can ever truly understand the pain that swept over me that day.
Time went on and we started infertility treatments. Money was short so we held yard sales and car washes trying to get enough to try and get pregnant. After years of this I conceived my son. I got to keep this one! What a blessing he is to me.
When your heart has the hole the size mine did, the sweet loving peace of the long awaited child is felt deeply. All I can say is that the joy is felt as deeply as the pain ever was. We have not been able to have any more children.
Many adoptions have fallen through. But two adoptions worked out and we now have three children. How grateful I am for each child. Each one is a miracle to me.
The three children that I lost help me be a better mother to the three that I have the privilege of keeping.
Challenges stretch us, bend us and almost kill us at times. But we are greatly blessed by these struggles. I love all six of my kids and am eternally grateful for having them in my life even it some of them stayed for only moments. (Anonymous)
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4 comments:
I know what it is like to lose a baby. To know all of the things are you missing with that baby and the memories you are not making is sometimes the hardest thing in the world. Then I had to deal with the fact that my body just couldn't handle bearing any more children. We are now waiting to be chosen as adoptive parents. Some days it seems as if adoption is worlds away for us, and on other days I feel as if I can almost touch it. It's so hard sometimes. Sometimes I tell my self that we are waiting so long because I can't even be a good mother to the one little miracle that I do have. I realize that this thinking is not correct and it is in fact damaging, but sometimes I feel self-doubt in my capabilities as a mother. My boy is now 4 years old, and I hope that soon, very soon, he will have a sibling to play with.
I'm so glad that you posted the book "Gone Too Soon." That book really helped me learn to grieve and how to accept others grieving -- for we all grieve in different ways.
Lemira, I am so grateful you are part of our family! You bring so much love and joy to your husband and son. I look up to you. You have had to deal with so very much and I am on the lookout for you too! Love, Aunt Bonnie
I haven't lost a child, though I did recently have a miscarriage. But I wanted to comment on Lemira's thoughts about adoption. I have felt exactly the same way, that I can't even play with Emma and be patient with her ALL the time, so why would I get another one? But then I think about all the child abusers out there that have kids, and I figure...that can't be it, obviously! We just get blessed with this trial of waiting, instead of another one.
I've really had to think about this one. We moved to a new town within a few months of losing my baby. Many did not know it as I did not advertise it, although I really struggled. Recently, a woman in our ward mentioned that my husband and I seemed especially close and together after we moved in. Losing my little girl strengthened us. We tried very hard to hold it together and realize that we were both suffering. Even now, my husband continues to comfort me although it's been over two years. Mother's day was hard, and my husband was very supportive. His hugs and shoulder to cry on were just what I needed.
Also, having a good friend to talk to really helped me through it all. My best friend was there every day and listened to the same things for a couple months afterward. My mom was there, and they never judged me or my grief. They were just there. I didn't join a support group because I already had one!
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